So Here's the Thing..

This year in my English class we read a group of short stories, one of them was called The Flash, by Italo Calvino, (you can read it here). "The Flash" is about that moment of realisation you have every once in awhile where you see the world through a completely different perspective, it's like you've looked up and suddenly you see everything clearly, no murky societal rules to blur your vision, and for a brief moment, you get it. But that moment is brief, and then it's gone, and every once in awhile you wish it came back... you spend your life waiting to see it that clearly again.

Well here's the REAL thing. Every once in awhile, we have "the flash" moment and it doesn't go away, however we don't call it that, we call it an existential crisis.

The thing about existential crises is that we all have them, if you don't ever have on in your life span, I question both your intelligence and your sanity. However, even though we all have them, I have come to the realisation that we don't actually talk about them, which makes more than no sense seeing as we're all in the same boat and probably could benefit a lot from knowing that we're not alone in our terrifying experience of an existential crisis.

The first one I ever had was in 7th grade, after some investigation, I realise that this is later than most peoples's first one, so I actually knew a lot of people at the time who knew exactly what I was going through, but of course instead of talking about it with them I lived in a constant state of anxiety and unhappiness until I found my way out through music.

Now, five years later, I have found myself yet again faced with the challenge of seeing the entire world through that flash perspective, wishing it would go away. The first time it happened, I didn't really realise what I was thinking or what I was seeing, now I'm all too aware.

The problem with the flash perspective is that it's meant to be only a flash, you're not meant to sit there and stew over what it means, and why it is the way it is, because let me tell you, it drives a person crazy. The flash is supposed to come and go to remind you that, for lack of a more relevant term, YOLO. That you've got to prioritize and know yourself well enough to know what you value and want from your life. BUT! When the darn, stinking, flash doesn't go away, it transforms from a bright flash of understanding and enlightenment, to a gray cloud of depression. When you can't stop yourself from seeing that world from the outside perspective, from completely outside the box, you're left there constantly asking yourself how you're supposed to live your life now, instead of actually living it. It's just plain awful.

Last but not least, let me just vent on this lasting flash experience... As I said before, everyone has existential crises. Very, very real ones.. Life changing ones that make you question your existence and the point of life and what happens after death and they are hands down, the most unsettling, and terrifying things to think and experience. So why is it that when I say that I'm going through an existential crisis, people laugh and go, "oh my gosh I had one of those while studying for math last night... the worst!" Excuse me, what? You had time to question all of life and existence and fall apart and crumble to absolute bits and then pick yourself back up and comment that on my instagram feed with a smiley face??? Well call me impressed.

Okay, seriously though, is it because they assume that that's what I mean by existential crisis, a flash moment of me going "what is life?" instead of the constant state of depression and anxiety I've fallen into as a result of my constant questioning of everything around me? Because I really am not trying to give that impression. And it is SO much harder to try and not feel alienated when everyone else pretends that existential crises are no big thing, or that oblivion doesn't terrify them, WHO ARE YOU? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE???? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS TO SUCH A CALM AND SECURE MIND SET.

I just don't understand.

Sigh.

Just trust me when I say, if you've experienced "The Flash" and are hopelessly waiting for that perspective to come back, move on, and enjoy your blissful ignorance. I envy you more than you know.